This is a crosspost from ...was i there?
So yeah. It's (ugh) Holiday time. How's tricks? I'm doing alright, thanks for asking. I figured I'd... yanno... blog tonight.
I know.
So here's one! Remember how the past three years I have been forced to work 6 days a week from Thanksgiving to New Years? Well.. Heh. This year, not so much!! I am soo zen about this Holiday season I can't even tell you. It's a nice feeling knowing I get my days off. Really nice. Although there are no weekends off. But hey, I can drink on a Monday! Woo hoo!
That said, tonight's really our Wednesday so no going out to play for us. One of our best gal pals came over though! Now how awesome is that? Sitting home with us on a Friday night cause we have to go to bed early... We have awesome friends. Like, srsly. And OMG what is
THIS
. LOL. My friends rawk. I wanna know what picture that was tho, I had my "new" facial hair in that. OMG.
This is a crosspost from ...was i there?
Hey all!! If you are here, and not seeing a hottie Santa in his undies, please *CLICK HERE*
Love ya!
This is a crosspost from ...was i there?
The internet was getting wonky. Wifi was spotty. Load times were increasing. The whole "at home internet experience" was deteriorating.
Then, last night, KABOOM! In one dialog box the entire internet was lost to me.
First I panicked. Then I called my ISP. Then I called them again. THEN, after a few hours, I got reconnected, but wifi was gone. I marched my Time Capsule in to the Apple Store. They said it was fine. It wasn't yet. In the meantime, internet had slowed to a crawl again. I called my ISP again. They decided it was time to send a dude, the next day in fact. Today. I almost missed the dude, since they ALWAYS take your number down wrong and so I never got the 30 minute warning. I caught him as he was leaving. Whatever. Another hour and a new modem later we were back online. Time Capsule, however, was not. What are the chances of both going to shit at the same time?? Only me.... So my afternoon (6 hours in fact) were spent trouble-shooting the Time Capsule thing.
Long story short: I ALWAYS buy the Apple Care. Have never, in two iMacs 3 iPhones countless iPods and shuffles, have I ever used it. This Time Capsule is the only purchase I have made and NOT bought Apple Care. So of course I needed it. I would have been covered. I would have not spent all this TIME.
Ai dios mio!!!
SO anyhoo, I eventually wiped the whole thing clean and reset as if it were new. And now it works.
This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns
I set out to write this blog post...yesterday. Wasn't exactly sure how it was going to go, but it was going to go somewhere and probably be funny. Now? Not so much.
Funny, the difference a day makes. No pun intended my friends.
Instead I spent the morning in tears. My heart broken, my nerves shot, and my emotional state on the verge of extinction. Been feeling rather lonely. Alone. I don't know if it's sheer agony over missing my first born child, the culmination of other stresses that were lifted, finally, leaving the sole and powerful pull of other stresses in the gravitational wake. Lack of sleep. Feeling run down, as if getting sick. PMS. Could be all of the above and has just left me run down emotionally as a whole. I would more lean toward that than anything else.
Working on my PTSD workbook probably wasn't such a good idea either. For that, you need support and security from your group around you. I don't have one. A group. A support system. Not right now. Too many more important things have pulled that away and that's ok. I just need to hold off and remember that I can't do it alone and if I cannot, for whatever reason, reach out and get that support from someone just now, then I should just pack it in and leave it for another day. Too many times I leave upon myself the demand that I be "Super Woman". I end up fucking myself even harder in the long run when I do that, damnit.
I should be used to it. It caught me off guard this time though. I couldn't control the tears and that really pissed me off. I got in my car and drove. Just drove. Ended up at the lake and just sat there staring at the water as the ripples driven by the power of the wind reminded me of how my tears flowed down my face. No matter how hard I tried to stop them, the harder they fell. Long sobs lurched forward from my chest and I was glad for the silence, the solace around me. Not a person, not even a squirrel could be seen. That was the point. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want my tears to be looked upon. I didn't want my pain, my heart to be judged. The flood gates fell open and I removed myself from all that may cause more harm and damage to me, or that which I may cause damage and harm to in my state. Sometimes that's just what you gotta do.
I desperately wanted to drive down my lane, sit beneath my tree. The rain of the past 24 hours or so left the tiny dirt road that leads to my own little corner of paradise impassable. I was terrified my little Honda would get stuck in that mud and then I would be forced to rely on someone to come and help me, one more friggin' time, and get me unstuck. As much as I desired the solitude of my tree, the thought of having to be rescued kept me from even attempting it. I made a mental sticky note to myself that when it comes time to trade in my Little Honda (bless her aging heart) I want a 4 Wheel drive truck so that I might traverse down lanes such as that no matter if rain or snow or ice or sleet in order to find my peace beneath my tree, no matter where my tree might be during any specific time in my life, without fear of having to call for help cuz my dumb ass got stuck. Of course, the truck would HAVE to be green. Definitely.
Enter the cat.
I know, this whole time you've probably been wondering "what in the hell does that cat in a lei have to do with anything?". Here ya go. (I had better hope this cat does bcuz she is going to need it. This kitten, as she is not quite a cat yet, just LOVES to claw the shit out of you while trying to climb up your body in order to fully access your keyboard and severely inhibit your activities on the computer...but...anywhooooo)
Cat's have 9 lives, right?
I am hoping she will rub off on me.
See, cats don't give a shit.
Ever.
As long as they are fed. (I am)
As long as they get pet from time to time. (I do)
As long as they have a warm place to snuggle. (I have)
They don't give a shit. (Am trying not to)
About anything.
We could really learn a lot from cats. Dogs too, mind you, but cats just seem wiser. Maybe they aren't wiser at all, maybe it's just that dogs are less pretentious.
Gimme a pussy in a lei and I will show you happiness.
pussy, lei, cats, issues, trees, solitude, peace, life, jaded, total, complete
This is a crosspost from ...was i there?
Hilarious!
The Button
(via).
This is a crosspost from Jaded Sunburns
They are everywhere in my house. Everywhere I look, the ghosts created by depression are evident and powerfully present.
I see them dancing in the sheets, illuminated by the early morning Sunday sunshine. I hear them giggle and play as they bask in the warmth. I can feel their laughter as they bound up or down the stairs, chasing their happiness like butterflies in the wind, hands grasping, arms holding, eyes twinkling.
They are full of hope, these ghosts. The very thread of life that has been sucked out by the depression. The silence is scary. The cold, uncomfortable.
The ghosts stand beside me while I do my chores; her at the sink, him behind with his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Their whispers of devotion massage my ears and drown out the sorrow.
Their song radiates every time I pick up my camera; yet, it enforces the lonely and the cold that also comes with their presence. It's a delicate dance of bitter sweet. I ache for the ghosts to go away and for that which they represent to wash over me like a tide returning to it's rightful place within the ocean's arms. I fear their disappearance as they may be all that is left of something once desired by all and found by so few.
The depression stole all that which brought smiles and warmth to my heart and to my life, and for that I am resentful. The blackness that is seeping in is unwelcome, yet, untamed and unchecked. Unstoppable, and uncontrollable as I do not own it, it's creating these ghosts. Each day I find new ghosts, new shadows where sunlight and life used to reside. Each day I dance with a newly released vision of something that once was.
I pray, on hand and knee, that heaven will release the pain and anguish that the depression holds in, thus allowing the ghosts to fade and the light to shine through once more. I long for their departure; to see the dimples of a smile, the song of laughter and the warmth of embrace once more.
depression, ghosts, jaded, life,
This is a crosspost from ...was i there?
They say silence is golden. I agree.
However, the only way for me to get silence in my head is to complete tasks. That is one thing about my mild OCD that no one gets. Until I complete certain things I can't really relax. Let's say there is a list in my head of things to do each day. If I miss something it moves to the next days list. I can hear the list in my head all day. For example I know that on Thursdays I change the bed. I have to change the bed on Thursdays. That's just how it is. If I can't, for whatever reason, that task adds to another day's list and that day's list gets louder in my head because there is too much on it. Does that make any sense? It's a bit more literal that the *actual* chatterings of my OCD brain as I see it, but pretty accurate as far as explanation. The only difference is a lot of what I feel compelled to do is autopilot. I automatically sweep kitty litter and vacuum the stairs everyday when I get home. I swiffer furniture on certain days, ect... I don't have to normally t!
ie it to a day. Whatever. The list scenario works. Now that you know I'm a nut-job, here's the point...
It was expressed to me that the last time Richard's mother visited she felt she couldn't touch anything when I am around. I may be miss quoting or making stuff up (as I am oft accused) but that was my impression. So I have been making a CONSCIOUS effort to be less... cleaning up after anyone moves. It is making me crazy! My brain is SCREAMING at me every second I am home about STUFF I NEED TO DO!! I am miserable in my own house. I don't want to look at it, sit in it, be in it UNTIL I FEEL CAUGHT UP!!
But I can't get caught up without time alone. And yes I know in my head that Richard is doing his best to keep things as we like them. I do. And I appreciate it more than I have told him.
BUT HE FORGETS MY TOUCH OF THE CRAZY!
It's only a week (and a day, grr!) We will all survive the Mother In Law visit. Hopefully our relationship will too. But I am taking some mental health hits over here... I need to wash the floor, wash every towel, vacuum all surfaces, and bleach things. Sorry.
This is a crosspost from ...was i there?
Funniest Internets find in a while:
Don't judge my hair dot com
(via Popbitch)
